just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
