watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
