what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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