now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
