apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
