Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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