my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I can't put those talents on a resume
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
