I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
