no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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