I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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