I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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