it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
