Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
