I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
