everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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