just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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