6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
