my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
