He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
