he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
