He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
