mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
