Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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