I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize
