my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
