Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Someone shattered a urinal.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
