I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
