Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
