A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
