you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
