how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
