Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
