a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
