The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
