My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
