Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
