Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
