the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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