Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
