I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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