Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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