The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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