My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
