It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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