so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
