I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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