I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
