Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
