Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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