I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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